Thursday, June 4, 2009

Me, in a really ginormous, dysfunctional nutshell.


Hi. I need to start a blog. Well, really... I need to write a book. But, I have a bit of a short attention span which has made me write a dozen starts of books and for some reason unbeknownst to me... no one is interested in publishing starts of books. Their loss really.



So... if I'm going to do this, and more importantly, if you are going to read this... there are a few things you have to know about me. Have to. Do you feel pressured or intrigued? Hmmm.



First of all, I think I am the funniest person I know. I believe that this is a side effect of my high self esteem problem, but i'm okay with it. It's a syndrome that needs no medication, psychiatrists are bored by the idea and true friends will stick by me rather than roll their eyes at my exclamations of superiority over those less fortunate. So, with that said... if I write anything in the future that you don't understand, don't think is humorous or you are simply offended by... no worries, because chances are it totally cracked me up (and truly... that's all that matters).



Secondly, nothing makes me happier than the fact that i'm not really, really pretty. Bear with me for a minute... you'll understand. REALLY pretty chicks can't be egotistic, stuck up or overly confident in anything they do. Why? Because they'd be thought of as bitches. Wait, can I cuss here? I'll assume it's okay and carry on... Peeps like me (somewhat attractive broads with "really great personalities") can get away with comments like "dude, i'm the hottest chick here" in a sea of twenty-somethings with fake boobs and nothing better to do but work out 3 hours a day when I would rather sit on my arse drinking wine and eating cheese and bread. So, let it be known that I appreciate my parents for not bestowing upon me genes of exquisite beauty and poise, for i'd much rather have all my features in the right place and a kick ass wit about me.



Lastly... I am amazingly good at everything I've never done. I have no question in my mind that I am a champion snowboarder, I could beat the hell out of chess players world wide and I would be the best president we've ever had. The only thing holding me back from these phenominal tasks is that I've never even touched a snowboard. I do own a chessboard but have yet to play even once and politics... hmm... well, it has a tendency to bore me. Unless we are talking about Michelle's outfits and shoes. This concept of not trying new things goes very well along with a favorite quote of mine that I might very well have made up... "If you don't try, you won't fail". Makes sense to me! (For all of you out there concerned about my children being raised with the aforementioned moral diarrhea, fear not. I have anointed them with the appropriate adages of "If at first you don't succeed... try, try again" and "You cannot succeed if you do not try" and please don't forget "There is no try, there is only do". Good for kids, for those of us in the over 30 crowd.... "Don't try, don't fail". Enough said.



I appreciate this intimate walk we just shared into my opinions about myself... more to come about me and the world as I view it. Thank you, please drive through.

10 comments:

Kami FunPants said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kim said...

Did you say something to offend yourself? Just wondering why you removed your own post... I'm going to enjoy this blog. I like stealing funnyism from others and I know this will afford me much new material.

Kami FunPants said...

Yes, I often offend myself.... NOT! It was user error... not sure what happened. Blogging under the influence of Reisling is the culprit :)

knrnbsn said...

Let the good times roll and roll and roll...

Anonymous said...

pointless stuff but hope that it somehow makes you important

Kami said...

Dear anonymous, yes... tis true. Myself does make me important. Thank you, please drive through.

Anonymous said...

maybe staying is more fun. as pointless is as pointless does.

Kami said...

And I suppose you would know, as leaving anonymous posts on someone's blog is about as pointless as it can get.

Anonymous said...

Easy sparky, I'm sure the creators of this platform you are using for free would appreciate your feedback.

beckabellinie said...

I think I am going to second your vote as YOU being the funniest person. I know you only meant you were the funniest person you knew, and I always thought I was the funniest person I knew, but now YOU are the funniest person I know. You win!