Saturday, August 15, 2009

Ponderings of a Borderline Alcoholic...

I think that the entire world should be just a little bit drunk. All the time. With a few exceptions of course... we'll start with those:

Children. They have not proven to be alcoholically responsible yet so they are excluded at the time of this publication, until a study group can be assembled.

Full-fledged alcoholics are excluded as well for the same reason, no study group needed for those drunks.

Old people. It clearly does not benefit me or anyone else if blue hairs and geezers are buzzed to the point of making the world a happier place. They need to just sit at home, knit, take naps, play cribbage and bake me cookies if I happen to visit. This exception will be reconsidered the closer I become to actually being an old person, which will probably never happen since I refuse to be any older than 25. (I'm super good at it now that i've had 10 years experience... why change what's working?)

With that out of the way, let me explain my thought process:

I think we can all admit that everyone is a wee bit happier, more compliant and amusing after a good solid buzz. Please understand that I am in no way talking about enforcing laws that let a bunch of drunks rule the world. The difference between being buzzed and drunk is very key here. People in general will respond quite differently to situations based on the level of drunkenness. Your average buzzed man, when placed in a situation that could make him quite angry such as his wife being hit on by a random stranger at a bar? He may respond with something like, "Hey buddy, yeah, she is hot! Let's share her!" Boom! Three people happy. Your average DRUNK man placed in that same situation? Someone's getting their ass kicked, at least one person's goin to jail and Boom. No one's havin a good weekend. Your average buzzed woman, placed in a shoe store (my heaven!)? She will undoubtedly spend within budget and then run home to show hubby her one or two purchases and then thank him with some good naked lovin. The DRUNK chick? Will remember every mean thing every man has ever done to her and then buy a pair of shoes for each event, placing the damage on her husband's credit card. Not good, not good.

With the situational response to buzzed vs. drunk behind us, let's discuss how this benefits humans in general:

No more grouchy store clerks. Think of how relaxed and cordial your grocery store checker would be? When he asks, "How ya doin today?", you might actually think he cares because he is too buzzed to fake it and you are too buzzed to give a crap! If you become the CEO of something fabulous, you can proudly admit in an acceptance speech of some amazing award, "And I did it half drunk!". Can't you just hear the applause in response to that??? Breakups would be so much easier because you never fully fell in love with the person, due to your intoxicated state over the duration of the relationship. The hardest part will be splitting up your wine cork collection. Lastly, who could dread going to work, no matter what your job, if you knew there was a keg or a bottle of pinot waiting for you? Employers would undoubtedly instill paycuts or raise insurance premiums to counterbalance the cost of alcohol in the workplace... but you won't care! Because your view of the world is appropriately fuzzy!

Now that you are all unquestionably on board with my ideas... *sigh* if only I was master of the universe... Let's all raise a glass and toast to the buzzed people everywhere!!!