Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Which is worse... looking for a job or that perfect pair of jeans???

So, i've been looking for a job lately. Really for the first time, since in my life I have really only worked two places. One for a very long 13 years... and the next for 3. I only say "very long" to the first because it was 12 hour night shifts, and anyone who has worked nights knows that they add up kind of like dog years. 13 years feels like 30 for sure!

So here I am, looking on all the usual websites, asking friends if they know of any job leads and of course, wishing hoping and praying! What's the first thing you do when starting to look for a job? Well, look at your resume of course and hope it is impressive enough to land you an interview where you can be charming and witty and smart enough to get yourself the job. I haven't been very successful in scoring the interviews, which of course means I haven't been able to sell myself (no hidden message there, I am definitely considering prostitution as soon as Obama passes a law that enables ladies of the night to be eligible for health coverage).

Here's what I am now thinking... Our generation was really the first to learn more from TV and internet than school, so why wouldn't it be okay to use knowledge gained from these sources on our resumes? We could even start a new category on resumes for this information... let's say "multimedia gained skills".... I think it will catch on. I can just hear the next generations young and hopeful voices saying, "College? No, but i have 18 years of MGS"!

While I could go on for days about the "work experience" I have from TV watching, especially since my TV time has incredibly increased due to the lack of actual working hours lately, I will add just a few to my resume (in hopes of not distracting from the other, less important items like Bachelors degree and management experience). Here's a sampling:

*Master Chef (I have watched the crap out the Food Network.)

*FBI Behavioral Analysis Agent (yes, I have caught up and have now seen EVERY episode of Criminal Minds.)

*Doctor (not just any kind... I specialize in diagnosing the mystery diseases and have studied under Dr. Greg House for years now.)

*Rich, Pretentious Housewife (I know that this isn't necessarily a "job", but it's a skill I have mastered by watching Desperate Housewives.)

*Plastic Surgeon (in this area, I am doubly skilled from watching every season of Nip/Tuck and the occasional Dr. 90210.)

With all of these MGS's... I know you are all shocked that I am having trouble finding a decent job. But if you know of a company that needs someone with impressive skills such as mine, do pass it on to me! (Please note: A clothing, shoe and purse allowance would also be fabulous.)

Monday, November 30, 2009

To 90210 or Not 90210... That is the Question...

So I've been watching a little 90210 lately.... okay not so much a little, but really quite a lot. Not the new version which in my opinion sucks, but the good ones... the vintage... the all-my-problems-will-be-solved-if-i-live-my-life-through-kelly-taylor ones. At first it was out of boredom or experimentation from the norm, and then it become something more. Before I knew it, I was hooked. Watching every day. Sometimes more than once. I tried to hide my habit for as long as possible, but it wasn't long before my family found out due to dinners not being put on the table, bathrooms not being cleaned and I would carefully place my finger on the "jump" button on the remote in case anyone came in, I could quickly pretend I was watching the Food Network. I was finally forced to face my demons and analyze how I ended up here. Addicted to something I hadn't done since my adolescent years. This was crazy, right? I'm a wife and mother afterall!

I realized several things about my connection to this show. First of all, I'd like to blame my lack of success during high school to the fact that guys did not dress like Steve Sanders, there was no DJ David Silver talking to us through the halls between classes and well, I certainly didn't grow up a rich kid in Beverly Hills.... however, since I was 16 and 3 months pregnant when the show aired, I guess I can't blame the show for showing me a false reality of life, huh? Perhaps while I was going through something abnormal for a teenager (well, at least 19 years ago it was abnormal), it was comforting to watch teenagers deal with "normal" teenage problems such as friends with drug problems, cheating boyfriends, broken homes and friend fights.... I was dealing with all of those AND a baby in my belly.

It was when I thought about why I probably loved the show 19 years ago that I realized why my present addiction came about. I am once again wanting a life that feels more "normal" than what I got going on right now. Yes, Kelly and Brenda and Donna are a lot less helpful these days than they were before... but nonetheless, they represent a norm I never had and always wanted. (It should also be said that I am a huge Desperate Housewives fan, which I do believe is a grown-up version of 90210 but perhaps I'm not ready to face the fact that my life is nowhere near as lovely as Gabby and Susan and Bree and Lynette have. Fair enough?)

So, with my life probably as messy as it felt those months 19 years ago, I resorted to my old habits of watching life through my friends in Beverly Hills. I could have chosen a much worse avenue to vent my frustration... but the time has come to deal with it, write about it and move on from it. I am sure the detox process is similar to that of heroin or vicodin... I'll have to get back to you on that, as I just wrapped up my last "fix".... Dylan is deciding whether to date Brenda or Kelly and Brandon and Steve were about to confront a street racer that they think is the mystery hit and run driver that left Andrea for dead... ahhh the good ol' days of normal problems.

Here I am now.... about to turn 36... jobless after 18 years of non-stop working my ass off due to a series of bad decisions in the last few months... more relationship problems than my poor little self can handle... am a mother to teenagers (nothing more needed to say there, huh?)... bills piling up... stress piling up... no health insurance... But enough about that! As those feisty kids in that famous zip code, I still have my friends and at the end of the day (or the 60 minute episode), they get us through it all!

Here's what it all comes down to: life is not much different now than it was in high school and the problems don't change as much as we think they do. Bad grades are now bad credit scores, cheating boyfriends are now cheating husbands, having the right clothes is now having the right house, having parents that don't embarass us is now having children we can be proud of, looking forward to college is now looking forward to a promotion or job change and friends that become back stabbing, two-faced bitches are now... well, they're still back stabbing, two-faced bitches.

What do we do about it? What happens to those of us that did adolescence so badly and feel as though we are doomed to repeat the mistakes? How do we achieve the seemingly simple and complete lives of Gabby or Kelly? I realize the obvious answer is to realize that these are characters in well-written comedy-dramas. I realize that comparing real life to TV is probably a clear sign that I'm losing my mind. And most importantly, I realize that life's problems will never be solved in an hour. But is it wrong to think that if TV people's problems can be solved in an hour, then perhaps mine can be solved in a day? a week? a month? Not sure.... but I gotta go. I think Dylan is about to make his decision and while I know what it is... It's fun to live it again :)

Friday, September 18, 2009

Nature vs. Nurture and Self-Actualization in Adulthood.... Yep, this is a deep one.... hold tight.... my humor will return shortly :)

***(If you need info on Maslow's Theory of Self-Actualization... read all about it here... www.webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/maslow.html)

Here is my latest ponder... at the age of 35, how much of me is really "me"? The nature of the beast that is me has been influenced by other people, other things, opinions, places, events, struggles, pleasures, hurts, broken hearts, broken plans and life in general for almost 13,000 days. All of these things have inarguably turned me into the certifiably crazy person that I have become.

Without all of these pieces of input into my character, personality and self... who would I be? If we stripped the nurture, both good and bad, from my nature, what would be left? Does all the interference of other people and things eventually make it impossible to truly be one's true self? Is this why Maslow's theory of Self-Actualization is so difficult to achieve? With only an estimated 2% of the population actually achieving self-actualization... if it were possible to go through life not allowing the influences to really influence you, is that the fabulous and wonderful being who you would really be?

Of course, we could separate behaviors from personality traits and assume the behaviors are the nurture and the traits are the nature... but really, is that true? By nature, I am confident in all things about myself. I am smart, funny, charming, witty, beautiful and embody the perfect amount of sarcasm. However, by nurture (no doubt crapola left over from the bad men I have picked in my 20 years of dating and marriage), I can feel incredibly lame, inadequate, ugly, stupid, undeserving and your basic filth stuck to the grime under the toenails of an amoeba.

Now, I completely despise the moments I feel that way... and to the people that make me feel it, I loathe with the passion of a thousand disgruntled really disgruntled things.

My ponder has come down to this..... Without the constant influence of others, would we all be content, happy and actually self-actualized? Comments allowed, expected and appreciated!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Ponderings of a Borderline Alcoholic...

I think that the entire world should be just a little bit drunk. All the time. With a few exceptions of course... we'll start with those:

Children. They have not proven to be alcoholically responsible yet so they are excluded at the time of this publication, until a study group can be assembled.

Full-fledged alcoholics are excluded as well for the same reason, no study group needed for those drunks.

Old people. It clearly does not benefit me or anyone else if blue hairs and geezers are buzzed to the point of making the world a happier place. They need to just sit at home, knit, take naps, play cribbage and bake me cookies if I happen to visit. This exception will be reconsidered the closer I become to actually being an old person, which will probably never happen since I refuse to be any older than 25. (I'm super good at it now that i've had 10 years experience... why change what's working?)

With that out of the way, let me explain my thought process:

I think we can all admit that everyone is a wee bit happier, more compliant and amusing after a good solid buzz. Please understand that I am in no way talking about enforcing laws that let a bunch of drunks rule the world. The difference between being buzzed and drunk is very key here. People in general will respond quite differently to situations based on the level of drunkenness. Your average buzzed man, when placed in a situation that could make him quite angry such as his wife being hit on by a random stranger at a bar? He may respond with something like, "Hey buddy, yeah, she is hot! Let's share her!" Boom! Three people happy. Your average DRUNK man placed in that same situation? Someone's getting their ass kicked, at least one person's goin to jail and Boom. No one's havin a good weekend. Your average buzzed woman, placed in a shoe store (my heaven!)? She will undoubtedly spend within budget and then run home to show hubby her one or two purchases and then thank him with some good naked lovin. The DRUNK chick? Will remember every mean thing every man has ever done to her and then buy a pair of shoes for each event, placing the damage on her husband's credit card. Not good, not good.

With the situational response to buzzed vs. drunk behind us, let's discuss how this benefits humans in general:

No more grouchy store clerks. Think of how relaxed and cordial your grocery store checker would be? When he asks, "How ya doin today?", you might actually think he cares because he is too buzzed to fake it and you are too buzzed to give a crap! If you become the CEO of something fabulous, you can proudly admit in an acceptance speech of some amazing award, "And I did it half drunk!". Can't you just hear the applause in response to that??? Breakups would be so much easier because you never fully fell in love with the person, due to your intoxicated state over the duration of the relationship. The hardest part will be splitting up your wine cork collection. Lastly, who could dread going to work, no matter what your job, if you knew there was a keg or a bottle of pinot waiting for you? Employers would undoubtedly instill paycuts or raise insurance premiums to counterbalance the cost of alcohol in the workplace... but you won't care! Because your view of the world is appropriately fuzzy!

Now that you are all unquestionably on board with my ideas... *sigh* if only I was master of the universe... Let's all raise a glass and toast to the buzzed people everywhere!!!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

BFFs... not just for high school anymore.

I recently found out that a very good friend of mine is moving very far away. According to the GPS system on my blackberry, it's exactly 19 hours and 35 minutes away. I may not be really good at math, but I have a feeling that this move may put an end to those last minute texts that always bring a smile to my face when I see, "wanna go to Porters for a drink tonight?".

While I understand the need for the move, I do question her ability to prioritize what the important things are in life. Husband job promotion vs. wine drinking with Kami? Exciting new opportunities vs. gossiping while wine drinking with Kami? Being closer to family vs. BBQs on the deck while drinking wine with Kami? Basically, I feel unfairly transported back to 9th grade when my bestie chose to hang out with her new boy over me on a Friday night. Ouch. It still hurts.

This particular friend and I became friends at a very difficult time in my life. Quite possibly the worst time in my life to be very honest. But she poured me glasses of Claret and listened and talked and laughed and told me either way it would be okay. I'm not saying I didn't have other friends do the same things at the same sucky time... but when a friendship forms like that... in the bathroom of a restaurant... it means something. Well after you wash your hands and replace your mascara, it means something.

Because of these new revelations of life... I have begun to think very long and deep about my peeps. I have decided that there are three things in life that I know very much to be true:

#1: "Just one more shot" is almost never a good idea.

#2: There is no stress in life that a new pair of shoes cannot make better.

#3: I need my friends.

Friends are not just people we hang out with, shop with, drink with and complain about our spouses with. It is my goal in this post to make you all realize how important, necessary and fabulous this thing called "friendship" truly is.

Friends are different from family. I know, I know... 99% of you just said "uh duh!". Family will hopefully love you for whatever or whoever you are. Family will hopefully never say out loud, "I wish you were more like....." But I think we all feel it or hear it from time to time. Even spouses can often mutter or blatantly proclaim, "Arrrgh... I wish you didn't (insert behavior that annoys spouse here)". But friends... not so much. Here's one reason why. The first time one of my friends dared to wish I was different in some way... well, I'd drop 'em like a hot pocket (I know... not a very intellectual phrase there... but how many times have each of us picked up a hot pocket fresh out of the microwave and well, dropped it? It's relatable, undoubtedly.)

So, in my opinion (which has to be right, because I thought of it.) True friends do three things. They allow us to be exactly who we are. They expect us to be nothing but who we are. And most importantly, they make us who we are. The first two there I don't believe need much elaboration. I mean, c'mon... if they are our friends, then chances are they are similar to who we are and if they are similar to who we are then who are they to complain about who we are. Does that make sense in anyone elses head but mine? Good. Thanks for agreeing.

Here's what it all comes down to ... Our true friends make us exactly who we are meant to be. If you have friends that stifle you, make you feel like you have to be something else, roll their eyes at your silliness or look at you like you are unworthy of sharing their air... move on. There are far more peeps in the chicken coop out there. I have no doubt in my mind that I have embarrassed (quite possibly mortified actually) my friends with my shenanigans and antics that I like to call "kamifoolery"... but they stand by me each and every time. They clean up my drunken puke, they come running when I call crying so hard I can't form words and more than anything... they listen and make me laugh. They give advice that they are pretty sure I'm not going to listen to because stubbornness and making poor decisions over and over again are part of the charm that is Kami.

But... more than anything else that I know is true... I know that each of them make me a little more of the authentic being that I am supposed to be because they give me the freedom to say, do, try and be new things every day (regardless of how ridiculous those things can and tend to be!). So... here it is. Without my friends, I have no idea who I would be. And because I think that I am pretty freakin fabulous.... I say to all my friends, old and new... thank you for letting me be whatever the hell it is that I am now and am supposed to become! :)

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Me, in a really ginormous, dysfunctional nutshell.

Hi. I need to start a blog. Well, really... I need to write a book. But, I have a bit of a short attention span which has made me write a dozen starts of books and for some reason unbeknownst to me... no one is interested in publishing starts of books. Their loss really.

So... if I'm going to do this, and more importantly, if you are going to read this... there are a few things you have to know about me. Have to. Do you feel pressured or intrigued? Hmmm.

First of all, I think I am the funniest person I know. I believe that this is a side effect of my high self esteem problem, but i'm okay with it. It's a syndrome that needs no medication, psychiatrists are bored by the idea and true friends will stick by me rather than roll their eyes at my exclamations of superiority over those less fortunate. So, with that said... if I write anything in the future that you don't understand, don't think is humorous or you are simply offended by... no worries, because chances are it totally cracked me up (and truly... that's all that matters).

Secondly, nothing makes me happier than the fact that i'm not really, really pretty. Bear with me for a minute... you'll understand. REALLY pretty chicks can't be egotistic, stuck up or overly confident in anything they do. Why? Because they'd be thought of as bitches. Wait, can I cuss here? I'll assume it's okay and carry on... Peeps like me (somewhat attractive broads with "really great personalities") can get away with comments like "dude, i'm the hottest chick here" in a sea of twenty-somethings with fake boobs and nothing better to do but work out 3 hours a day when I would rather sit on my arse drinking wine and eating cheese and bread. So, let it be known that I appreciate my parents for not bestowing upon me genes of exquisite beauty and poise, for i'd much rather have all my features in the right place and a kick ass wit about me.

Lastly... I am amazingly good at everything I've never done. I have no question in my mind that I am a champion snowboarder, I could beat the hell out of chess players world wide and I would be the best president we've ever had. The only thing holding me back from these phenominal tasks is that I've never even touched a snowboard. I do own a chessboard but have yet to play even once and politics... hmm... well, it has a tendency to bore me. Unless we are talking about Michelle's outfits and shoes. This concept of not trying new things goes very well along with a favorite quote of mine that I might very well have made up... "If you don't try, you won't fail". Makes sense to me! (For all of you out there concerned about my children being raised with the aforementioned moral diarrhea, fear not. I have anointed them with the appropriate adages of "If at first you don't succeed... try, try again" and "You cannot succeed if you do not try" and please don't forget "There is no try, there is only do". Good for kids, for those of us in the over 30 crowd.... "Don't try, don't fail". Enough said.

I appreciate this intimate walk we just shared into my opinions about myself... more to come about me and the world as I view it. Thank you, please drive through.